Understand
Man I dunno if as I get older I just grow up or what but this song is like a whole third too high for my voice now. How did I do this? I sound young? I dunno. I sound better just a bit lower. Kinda screetchy and out of tune too. God.
Other than that I loved this song. This song sort of goes unnoticed in my realm of being, but in one sense it’s the most important song I’ve ever written – at least from a personal standpoint. And honestly, your own personal story is the most important one you can tell.
See this song is directly and purposefully about CF. The only piece of art (poem, song, whatever), I’ve ever written about it (and published – I wrote a poem I thought was too angry once and never used it for anything).
But it really de-emphasizes the importance of CF, which maybe is perfect. I make this big deal out of this tragic story and really, when you get down to it, it’s a laughable side note. It is NOT the most important song I’ve written, having CF (and not dying) is NOT the most important contribution I can make, it’s NOT really that deadly a thing, and really the big “here’s my personal story here’s my big thing!” song turns into a pretty good filler song on an album chock full of other issues.
I do like a lot of things about this song. The first thing is I feel like I really succeeded in being sneaky with the lyrics. It really sounds to me like a romance song. Like somebody breaking up with somebody else. The other person cheated, the other person’s not on the right path, etc. But they’re trying to be compassionate and reconcile. But they’re still mad at this ex-lover. But they realize, fuck man, they have to reconcile. They have no choice but to love each other. Maybe they work together. Maybe they have a kid together. Hell I bet some people would think this song is about Tamara. We were inextricably linked together for a long time after we broke up. We had an album out, an act, she was on the label, we had a whole Houston poetry scene we were leading, a slam to manage, a slam TEAM to manage, this whole realm of our children. She was ALWAYS there. I HAD to reconcile.
But it is NOT about her, not even a little.
The other person, you probably understand by now, is ‘ol Grim Reaper. This is a song about my relationship with death, which I might have thought to be unique, but it’s everyone’s path. I found that out reading the Tao Te Jing. I read a chapter or two every night – been doing that about 3 or 4 years now – it’s short, I’ve read the thing enough times that I’m starting to memorize it – never the less let me look this up…(Stephen Mitchell translation for you academics):
Chapter 33:
Knowing others is intelligence;
knowing your self is true wisdom.
Mastering others is strength;
mastering yourself is true power.
If you realize that you have enough,
you are truly rich.
If you stay in the center
and embrace death with your whole heart,
you will endure forever.
Of course that basic theme recurs a lot in there. So this song was no longer unique, but it was still personal and still important, and even though the task is the same for everyone: get to a point of not fearing death, few will ever achieve it.
You can notice that this song is not about me having achieved total embracing. Otherwise the lyrics would be more like “I love you so much I want to be with you and love you all day” or something. 😉 It’s more of an honest thing of look I’ve had this “person” (‘ol grim) as this enemy my whole life, and wait just a damn minute, I HAVE to eventually talk to him, go with him. And it occurred to me while writing Understand (I usually write a lyric FIRST and THEN learn something, not the other way round like you might expect), “wait a minute, maybe this guy is not out to hurt me. Maybe he wants to free me and maybe he’s a compassionate and professional guy who wouldn’t even think to take me somewhere I’m not ready to go.”
I think that thought came second actually. First, I think the thought was “Maybe I should have a good relationship with grim. If we’re friends, maybe I can say hey, man, I’d like to stick around awhile, can we arrange that? and he’ll help me out.”
Nevertheless, I’m not ready to die, not even close. I love life and I want it and that’s why in the song I’m like “look, man, I’m sorry I was hating on you. I’m realizing you’re only out to help us, ok? Let’s just shake hands here, let’s bury the hatchet, but dude, not in my back, ok? I’m willing to stop throwing hatred at you, if you understand I’m not ready to go where you take people.”
Shortly after doing the song and releasing the record, I made a huge shift in life based on that idea, and am quite a huge bit healthier than I was then. Interesting.
I talked a lot about the lyrics again so I guess I’ll paste them again (notice in the last verse – the rap – how I’m still pissed off, but at doctors and shit – little bit of sarcasm in the last lines “sorry doc, can’t stay long, gotta go DIE (asshole)” *LAUGH*
time is of the essence now
you’re gonna come home too late
and find I haven’t been around
so make me worry make me cry
or make me lay me down
I don’t care as no one thinks I’m missin
and wear your costume
I don’t care ’cause i’ll still know your name
and everybody you been kissin
but I guess it’s not too late to make amends
and maybe we can still be friends
just as long as you understand
I don’t wanna come with you where you’re goin
just as long as you understand
I don’t wanna come with you where you’re goin
it ain’t like there’s a reason
for anyone to care
but everywhere I go you’re always there
in my chest my lungs my breath
my very corazon
everything that ever made me scared
you wear your black coat on the clock
and never give a second thought
to looming like a worry on my stair
but I know you and you know me
and we ain’t gettin nowhere
fightin like a couple rabid dogs
so why don’t we just walk away
pretend this never happened
we’ll probably both sleep better anyway
just as long as you understand
I don’t wanna come with you where you’re goin
just as long as you understand
I don’t wanna come with you where you’re goin
say charon charon
I don’t need to know
anything about the place you’re about to go
I been down to the deep too many times
one of these bullheaded charity creeps in a key-lime
suit got me wonderin where you are
lurkin in a pocket of a hospital corridor
too much ratcheting wrong-headed wrath
got me hatin the very thing
I need to understand to find the right path
breath on a death stick
suckin the lipstick
grin til the grim dick swallows a lick
tick tock go the wall clock
look at the time doc
guess I really better be goin
wouldn’t wanna be late
for the date that I got with my fate
excuse me while I swallow the bait
just as long as you understand
I don’t wanna come with you where you’re goin
just as long as you understand
I don’t wanna come with you where you’re goin
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